Hearing the Story

It’s frustrating when people don’t understand where you are coming from. I know on some level we can recognize what a person is going through, but we will never 100% understand. In her book Atlas from the Heart, leadership author Brené Brown says, "We need to dispel the myth that empathy is walking in someone else's shoes. Rather than walking in your shoes, I need to learn how to listen to the story you tell about what it's like in your shoes and believe you even when it doesn't match my experiences."

This is hard work. It takes time and effort and genuine caring to understand someone’s story. Too often we get caught in our own headspace and see the story only from our point of view. It’s easier that way. But we have to trust when someone tells us how they are feeling. We have to trust when someone tells us what they need. If we blow if off their feelings or discount their needs, it will be harder for them to open up in the future. Just because we don’t feel the way they do it doesn’t make their feeling or needs wrong. So how do we start building empathy in our relationships?

80/20 Rule

Zander Fryer, who runs a business called High Impact Coaching, says to be a successful leader you should ask more and talk less. “In order to have empathy, you must truly understand someone. In order to understand someone, you must listen to them and ask questions to help you clarify what you don’t know. I have an 80/20 rule for communicating with my team members. My goal for an employee one-on-one is for them to be talking 80% of the time and me for 20%. This ensures that they feel heard, that I better understand them, and that we can build strong relationships,” said Fryer.

Trust. Listen. Believe.

Empathy is a choice. Taking the time to understand your employee’s perspective is a choice. As a leader in today’s fast-paced world, slow down and ask why someone is doing what they do instead of quickly judging their actions.

We all are human, and our brains are wired to try to make sense out of what we see. It is easy for our brain to jump to conclusion and fill in the gaps of the story we don’t know.  If I don’t know why you are doing what you are doing, I am going to make up a story in my head and I can only use the information I have. That is why to trust, believe, and have empathy both parties need to be sharing. That is the good news. You are not 100% responsible for this relationship of empathy. Trust. Listen. Believe. That is truly the only way to have any kind of meaningful relationship. That’s the view from where I sit today.